It's awful every time this happens, because things just go sour and bad. The house is clouded with anger and bitterness and you can't move an inch without worrying that my father's going to say something sarcastic or criticize yet another thing you've done. Seriously, when I see this kind of stuff, it makes me wonder why people think marriage such a necessity. I don't come from a broken home, but emotionally, my family is really complicated. My parents are so wrong for each other - I really think that but for their very old-fashioned abhorrence for divorce, they would have and should have split up years ago. Years and years ago. I don't like criticizing them as a bad model of marital contentment, but looking at their problems makes me want to run away from the idea of ever entering a serious relationship myself. Wait, that's not true. I would like to meet someone and create committed relationship, but I'm not going to do it until I'm certain, until we've had time to figure out each other's faults and to accept that they can't always be remedied.
Arranged marriages are good and bad, but the example I've grown up with is in part a huge failure. Do you know how awful it is to feel that way? That your parents aren't that weird but generally close couple you hoped they would be? That they, their relationship, part of the "family" you've grown up with, is a crashing failure? I feel heartbroken. Part of me wishes I could escape, that I had a job and could move out immediately, but the other half is terrified of not being here, in case...well, in case it gets seriously bad. My sister learned to turn her back to this but the problem is, my parents don't keep their fights to themselves. Everyone gets involved, everyone bears the burden and discomfort. And there's never been a solution. I really wish that they could somehow learn, after 25+ years of marriage, a way in which to get along. Maybe I'm making too much of this. We've survived all these years despite the strain. But I feel so horribly alone dealing with this, and as much as I hate them for what they do to me and to one another, we're still bound in the same circle.
Tomorrow I have another interview. I feel so awful right now and I have a 3-hour drive with my dad just to get to the interview. I hope I don't fuck up because of this. Because I can't stay in this house for too much longer. I just can't.
Arranged marriages are good and bad, but the example I've grown up with is in part a huge failure. Do you know how awful it is to feel that way? That your parents aren't that weird but generally close couple you hoped they would be? That they, their relationship, part of the "family" you've grown up with, is a crashing failure? I feel heartbroken. Part of me wishes I could escape, that I had a job and could move out immediately, but the other half is terrified of not being here, in case...well, in case it gets seriously bad. My sister learned to turn her back to this but the problem is, my parents don't keep their fights to themselves. Everyone gets involved, everyone bears the burden and discomfort. And there's never been a solution. I really wish that they could somehow learn, after 25+ years of marriage, a way in which to get along. Maybe I'm making too much of this. We've survived all these years despite the strain. But I feel so horribly alone dealing with this, and as much as I hate them for what they do to me and to one another, we're still bound in the same circle.
Tomorrow I have another interview. I feel so awful right now and I have a 3-hour drive with my dad just to get to the interview. I hope I don't fuck up because of this. Because I can't stay in this house for too much longer. I just can't.
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