The Wallflower

I adore Heath. Although he leads way too exciting a life for me and makes me feel like a major dullard. We went out to lunch yesterday with another co-worker, and it was a wonderful exercise in restraint. Some favorites were the moment when Heath said, "honey, he woke me up with a welcome surprise, and I don't mean the coffee or donut," or when she said "yeah, I think that's why my ex-boyfriend was so confident you know, because he was huge. I couldn't even let him enter the first few times." What was I doing? Being silent, mostly.

Last night I went over to watch the Shakespeare tea towel with Clara and Heath (this is our code for watching the OC -- Clara covers her tv during the day with a tea towel with WS's face plastered over it). It was so much fun; we drank wine and smoked all kinds of weird things. Then Heath walked me home and we talked and talked and talked. I keep worrying about that moment when I'll become boring, you know? And then our friendship won't be fresh anymore and I'll worry about what I'm saying and our future conversations. Beginnings are so much easier to cope with.

Anyway, he told me about coming out to his parents and it just made me feel so terrible. He's 23 and cute and so comfortable in his own skin, but periodically, like when he told me about how he's estranged from his family, his expression suddenly made him seem so young. Really really young. And yet, it doesn't seem fair that only one of us gets the attention of a local dance professor. He's been here a week and is already overhauling the local blue-collar dive. Whereas I'm in bed by 9pm on the dotted swiss.

I don't have much else to say. Socially, things aren't so bad, but they could be better. Work-wise, things aren't great. I think it all comes back to the same evil: lack of self-confidence. I'm also really tired. Too much work and too much drinking with the result that I'm not currently enjoying either. Would you believe though that all these awkward and frustrating and self-destructive moments of doubt and questioning are probably good for me in the long run? I keep trying to tell myself that being in a difficult position and being forced to participate in conversations on just about EVERYTHING are exactly what I need to break down a little reserve. Then again, I feel kind of lost without a chip on my shoulder.